Friday, November 21, 2014

How's Nostalgic

There was time in my life where I am being reminded by myself regarding my mistakes, my painful memories, etc...

Tonight out of the blue my hippocampus suddenly play by its own and flashes out all about my late mother. Allah, how I miss her so much! Though she has passed away 9 years ago, but yet I couldn't let her go completely. She is the most and only person who understand me the most. For me to accept the reality is  going to be hard and tough. Losing her at the age of 17 years old, plus I am the youngest among my sibling makes me the most fragile and regretfully, the most silence-typed person. Looking upon my brothers and sisters, 9 years has passed and seems to me that they have accepted with the reality pretty well. For me, the memory is still haunting my life and bind me to move forward into the future. As I proceed with my current life, how I learn medics, how I work as HO for only a year and half, and then resigned and now in the business life, for sure I need someone exactly like her to hear my complaints, to hear my cry, to listen to my nonsense or boring daily routine, to give me advice in life and in pursuing my dream, to share my hope and dream, and to call and hear her voice everyday are no longer the privileges that I have currently. People say that I still got my father. My father? Not to be rude here, but my relationship with my father is very cold and almost radio-silenced. The reason I pent up all of my emotions; sadness, angry, and happiness are simply because I do not have the right person to channel it. My father is somehow a very cold and sensitive person. One look at his face and I know that he is not my person. Though we are genetically connected, but in life, we do not look like that at all. I once tried to express my sadness, and the replied I get is harsh, and put me into the state of a more depress. Enough talk. Maybe falling into asleep may help me to forget others...

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Facing Disappointment

Assalammualaikum and good morning to all! It is a gloomy and rainy that to begin with. At least it provides us with a cold and comfortable weather to start our day.

Imagine that you are in a situation where people expect highly from you, and then suddenly you do unexpected thing and crushed his heart down. That is what I am facing right now. My father's disappointment. He cared for me since I was little, raising me till I graduated, but then I decided to resign from my post and crush his heart completely. Even when I told him the real truth regarding the cause for my resignation, he can only swallow if half-heartedly. Everyday my life is filled with sadness, and ultimately I became puny. Though AJ family bounce me back up, but bo matter what I do, everything seems wrong to him. I don't know whether I can survive any much longer with this kind of environment. I want to tell someone, to pour my heart out, but that seem to be impossible. For me to share them with my siblings are also nearly impossible as they are also are facing with their own problems. I pray to Allah everyday to guide me in resolving this matter,  ad it seems that the only way I can see it is to achieve RAA. Then I would be able to get back to his good grace. It seem paradox that what I am facing right now is the same thing as my brothers and sister had faced in their past. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe Allah wants me to realize that reality is not as prettybas you imagine. Maybe He wanted me face real hardness in life, so that I can appreciate more and more. And it's true.......I am learning to appreciate every single thing and every single person. Forgiveness will not be enough to settle this matter up.

I need to prove to him and to all that even when I am fell, I can still rise back!!!! What I need is his blessing, and I really wish that I had them in hands.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Sebelum dan selepas....

Assalammualaikum dan salam sejahtera kepada semua pembaca blog! Maaf sebab sudah lama menyepi diri.

So, what is happening to me? Terus terang, aku dan pun resign sebagai doktor! Yup, I quit the program! Aku dah resign since bulan 4 secara official. In between, aku ada kerap kali juga MIA disebabkan tekanan kerja yang tak dapat aku nak tanggung. I thought I can, but medical life is like walking on a lonely road. Nobody is there to help you, even you think they are there. They just a mere observant in everything that you do.........But, I am finally arrived to the decision. I am not proud of it, just for me it is the best......

For sure kalau arwah along dan mak ada, mesti mereka akan talk some sense into me. Tapi, bak kata orang, jangan dikenang benda/orang yang sudah tiada. Actually, hari ini pun aku tergerak hati untuk tulis kat sini sebab tersinggah di sighnomore blog milik arwah along. Kata-kata di dalam blog arwah sangat menusuk kalbu, membuatkan aku menitis air mata, memikirkan beliau. She really proud of me, no matter what road I taken. I just know it. For me, she is different, despite being her childish attitude, she is still my eldest sister, and nobody can take her role today!

But know, despite my resignation, I am involved in an affiliate marketing, the first in Malaysia! AFFILIATE JUNCTION! Despite every obstacles ahead, I am not backing up anymore! I have disappointed several people in my life, and I am not going to do that anymore. Though financially I am at pinch, but that will not force me to go forward. I learn a lot from my previous mistake, and I am not going to do that again! Plus, in AJ, I am happy to be living with positive and optimistic people! And despite my attitude before, I am relieved to be among them! AJ makes me happy! And I convinced to achieve RAA by the end of year!!!

For those out there, please support and pray for my success no matter what. And I too will always pray for all of us!