Friday, January 09, 2015

Another nostalgic moment

There was a time back in 2009 that I am not willing to forget. It occur during that year Ramadhan, when I was still in my 2nd year of med school. It was my first day of exam before our 1 week vacation. For my holiday, me along with some of my friends were planning to visit Egypt, have fun there while visiting the country. We got all things planned up and can't wait to fly there! At the same time, my eldest sister was not well and latest news I received was that she has been hospitalized at Selayang for a while, and then transferred to Melaka as my father's request. She was having a severe jaundice, a condition where you skin and mucous layer turns yellow due to liver problem. The last she text me was during the day of my birthday, wishing me happy birthday and all of that. Nothing serious reported by my sister, so I just thought maybe I can still go on my vacation trip. Coming back on my exam, it started 2pm Bangalore time, and my first paper would be Pharmacology. Not the hardest, yet one of the confusing one, huhuhu. Reading about drugs and it side effect really made my head spinning and daze. My exam went well, and as per usual after the exam, me and my buddies went to Coffee Day nearby Ramaiah Hospital to get ourselves some treat, and refreshment before the second paper tomorrow, which will be the Forensic Medicine. As I walked back home, my heart felt some uneasiness and try to call up my Angah, but no answer. Back at home, everything was routine. Cooking dinner, eating, watching some videos, reading some books for the exam and so on. And then, a call came in around 9pm India time, upon which it was 11.30pm Malaysia time. My heart throbbed. My eyes became watery. My voice was breaking up. My words were scattered. Nothing can be described at that moment. My knee went down weak as I tried to understand every single words that my Angah conveyed. It sounded "Faiz, harap kau sabar, sebab angah nak bagitahu yang along dah takde dengan kita lagi." My heart crushed even more when she further said, "Along meninggal lewat malam semalam, Siang tadi arwah dah selamat dikebumikan lepas zohor. Maaf angah x bagitahu awal, sbb kau exam dan ayah xnak ganggu kau. Ayah ckp jgn bagitahu kau, tapi angah bagitahu jugak sebab takut nnt kau dpt tahu drp sumber lain. Maaf." I can't hold it much. I cried profusely on the back door. My housemates suddenly noted my cry try to calm me down. I went into my room and cry alone inside. So many thought and emotion rushed into my head at that moment. Feeling sad, angry, disappointed, unprepared, empty-minded, uncertain, and many more. I am still coping up for the lost of my mother, and now my Along passed on just like that. The only thing that I still remembered was the last sms that she sent to me on my birthday. Though I had already lost it physically, but in my head I can still remember the sms that said, "Happy birthday adik! Semoga berjaya dunia dan akhirat. Study hard!" Simple, but it is the last moment that I cherished it till now. Though at certain point I may have disappointed her, but I always said to myself that whatever road I choose and walk, I always know that they are going to support me no matter what. Even if the road is full of thorn and traps, but their support will become my blade that are going to cut all those thorny vine, clearing my path to success! 6 years has passed since that day. Not a single day that I am not missing her. Like my mother, she is part of my soul, part of who I am, part of my life, and although she is not what I expected, but she is my Along, and Along, thank you for all your teaching, you wisdom, and your courage that you had passed on to me. Remembering you will never be enough for me and us. We are going to do our best!!!!!! You are my strength and my inspiration, and I am thank you for that, and I am sorry for never be on your side on your last day. May Allah bless your heavenly soul. Rest in peace.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Updating....updating....follow up!

Assalammualaikum and greeting to all! Wow, it has been a while, doesn't it? Hope everything runs smoothly as planned

Before I began my chattering, I would like to borrow all of your hands and recite Al-Fatihah to my late aunt, Fatimah binti Sadikin who has just passed away last Thursday. Al-Fatihah~

Currently I am focusing in KL and Melaka. For now, I am in Melaka focusing AJ for my fellow future partner. My haven't call my referrer yet to inform what is happening, not because I didn't want to, but I just want to call and informing him good news! For almost a year I have deliver a poor result, and yet he still willingly trying to help me no matter what, which makes me ashamed of myself now. Just now he called me, want to call back but seeing his picture planning with other partner put me on hold first. I am grateful to have him as a referrer, and everyday I am thankful to Allah for this blessing. Thank you GAA Dayan!!! Love you sooo much! You are like a brother to me now! Thank you for your guidance!

Within this week I am going to KL for a while.....may Allah ease my way through~

Friday, November 21, 2014

How's Nostalgic

There was time in my life where I am being reminded by myself regarding my mistakes, my painful memories, etc...

Tonight out of the blue my hippocampus suddenly play by its own and flashes out all about my late mother. Allah, how I miss her so much! Though she has passed away 9 years ago, but yet I couldn't let her go completely. She is the most and only person who understand me the most. For me to accept the reality is  going to be hard and tough. Losing her at the age of 17 years old, plus I am the youngest among my sibling makes me the most fragile and regretfully, the most silence-typed person. Looking upon my brothers and sisters, 9 years has passed and seems to me that they have accepted with the reality pretty well. For me, the memory is still haunting my life and bind me to move forward into the future. As I proceed with my current life, how I learn medics, how I work as HO for only a year and half, and then resigned and now in the business life, for sure I need someone exactly like her to hear my complaints, to hear my cry, to listen to my nonsense or boring daily routine, to give me advice in life and in pursuing my dream, to share my hope and dream, and to call and hear her voice everyday are no longer the privileges that I have currently. People say that I still got my father. My father? Not to be rude here, but my relationship with my father is very cold and almost radio-silenced. The reason I pent up all of my emotions; sadness, angry, and happiness are simply because I do not have the right person to channel it. My father is somehow a very cold and sensitive person. One look at his face and I know that he is not my person. Though we are genetically connected, but in life, we do not look like that at all. I once tried to express my sadness, and the replied I get is harsh, and put me into the state of a more depress. Enough talk. Maybe falling into asleep may help me to forget others...

Sunday, November 09, 2014

Facing Disappointment

Assalammualaikum and good morning to all! It is a gloomy and rainy that to begin with. At least it provides us with a cold and comfortable weather to start our day.

Imagine that you are in a situation where people expect highly from you, and then suddenly you do unexpected thing and crushed his heart down. That is what I am facing right now. My father's disappointment. He cared for me since I was little, raising me till I graduated, but then I decided to resign from my post and crush his heart completely. Even when I told him the real truth regarding the cause for my resignation, he can only swallow if half-heartedly. Everyday my life is filled with sadness, and ultimately I became puny. Though AJ family bounce me back up, but bo matter what I do, everything seems wrong to him. I don't know whether I can survive any much longer with this kind of environment. I want to tell someone, to pour my heart out, but that seem to be impossible. For me to share them with my siblings are also nearly impossible as they are also are facing with their own problems. I pray to Allah everyday to guide me in resolving this matter,  ad it seems that the only way I can see it is to achieve RAA. Then I would be able to get back to his good grace. It seem paradox that what I am facing right now is the same thing as my brothers and sister had faced in their past. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe Allah wants me to realize that reality is not as prettybas you imagine. Maybe He wanted me face real hardness in life, so that I can appreciate more and more. And it's true.......I am learning to appreciate every single thing and every single person. Forgiveness will not be enough to settle this matter up.

I need to prove to him and to all that even when I am fell, I can still rise back!!!! What I need is his blessing, and I really wish that I had them in hands.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Sebelum dan selepas....

Assalammualaikum dan salam sejahtera kepada semua pembaca blog! Maaf sebab sudah lama menyepi diri.

So, what is happening to me? Terus terang, aku dan pun resign sebagai doktor! Yup, I quit the program! Aku dah resign since bulan 4 secara official. In between, aku ada kerap kali juga MIA disebabkan tekanan kerja yang tak dapat aku nak tanggung. I thought I can, but medical life is like walking on a lonely road. Nobody is there to help you, even you think they are there. They just a mere observant in everything that you do.........But, I am finally arrived to the decision. I am not proud of it, just for me it is the best......

For sure kalau arwah along dan mak ada, mesti mereka akan talk some sense into me. Tapi, bak kata orang, jangan dikenang benda/orang yang sudah tiada. Actually, hari ini pun aku tergerak hati untuk tulis kat sini sebab tersinggah di sighnomore blog milik arwah along. Kata-kata di dalam blog arwah sangat menusuk kalbu, membuatkan aku menitis air mata, memikirkan beliau. She really proud of me, no matter what road I taken. I just know it. For me, she is different, despite being her childish attitude, she is still my eldest sister, and nobody can take her role today!

But know, despite my resignation, I am involved in an affiliate marketing, the first in Malaysia! AFFILIATE JUNCTION! Despite every obstacles ahead, I am not backing up anymore! I have disappointed several people in my life, and I am not going to do that anymore. Though financially I am at pinch, but that will not force me to go forward. I learn a lot from my previous mistake, and I am not going to do that again! Plus, in AJ, I am happy to be living with positive and optimistic people! And despite my attitude before, I am relieved to be among them! AJ makes me happy! And I convinced to achieve RAA by the end of year!!!

For those out there, please support and pray for my success no matter what. And I too will always pray for all of us! 

Monday, August 04, 2014

Words of the day